Need a Laugh?

As light relief from the 'more complicated than is often thought' business of daily life, I have created this page of stories and one-liners that have really made me laugh.

A Typical Male-Female Conversation.

Those of us who have read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" know only too well that men and women can be sharing the same converstion and be a million miles away from each other!

This story hilariously illustrates this phenomena.

Why it's great to be a guy.

Not politically correct, but I love it!

Great One-Liners

Those of you who share the same pithy sense of humour as myself may enjoy this collection of one-liners that I have ammassed over the years.

Feel free to use these to season your own conversation. Any of your own one-liners can be emailed to me for my edification and delight!

GCSE Exam Answers.

Apparently, these were genuine answers to GCSE exam questions!

(The GCSE is a British examination for 16 year olds.)

A Typical Male-Female Conversation.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to the cinema; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out for a meal, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it out loud:

"Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: Gosh, I wonder if it upsets him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, then again, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards ...

I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? Towards children? Towards a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car in for a service, which means ... what's the mileage? ...

Good grief! I am long overdue for an oil change!

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he h's sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have to get them to look at that clutch again. I don't care what those cowboys say, it's still not changing smoothly. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? The sun's splitting the trees! And this thing is still changing gear like a taxi! and I paid those incompetent swine £200.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say there's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're going to say, the crooks.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh, I feel so ..."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he has never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure that there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he decides it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will telephone her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Gary, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

Brilliant story isn't it!

Why it's great to be a guy.

  • Phone conversations last 30 seconds

  • You know useful stuff about tanks and aeroplanes

  • A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

  • Toilet queues are 80% shorter

  • You can open all your own jars

  • Old friends don't give you grief if you've lost or gained weight

  • When zapping thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

  • You can go to the bathroom alone

  • Your last name stays put

  • You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

  • The garage is all yours

  • The remote is yours and yours alone

  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

  • You see the humour in "Terms of Endearment"

  • You never have to clean the toilet

  • You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

  • Wedding plans take care of themselves

  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend

  • Your underwear costs £7.50 for a pack of 3

  • None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

  • Chocolate is just another snack

  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

  • Three words: Flowers fix Everything

  • One pair of shoes are more than enough

  • You can say anything and not worry about what people think

  • Car mechanics tell you the truth

  • You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

  • You can watch a game in silence for hours without your mate thinking,
    "He must be mad at me"

  • One mood, all the time

  • Grey hair and wrinkles add character

  • Wedding dress £2000, Tuxedo rental £100

  • You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

  • You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

  • If you don't call your friend when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same suit, you might become lifelong friends

  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

  • If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

Great aren't they!

Great One-Liners

I've often thought that one-liners are a very underrated art form.

Some of the funniest moments I've ever enjoyed have been the result of excruciatingly funny ripostes.

The following are eminently suitable for peppering your conversations with. As in all comedy, the key is in the timing. Enjoy.

  • Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

  • Quantum Mechanics – the dreams stuff is made of.

  • A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

  • No-one is listening until you make a mistake.

  • The sooner you fall behind, the longer you'll have to catch up.

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my right hand.

  • If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving is probably not for you.

  • I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead?"

  • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

  • VENI, VIDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

  • Clones are people two.

  • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?

  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.

  • Remember - half the people in the world are below average.

  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? I think not!

  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.

  • A fool and his money are soon partying.

  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  • Anger is only one letter short of danger.

  • Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

  • Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.

  • A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of new argument.

Have fun with these!

GCSE Exam Answers

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
    They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
    The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

  2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
    In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
    One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

  3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
    Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
    He died before he ever reached Canada.

  4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

  5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
    The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

  6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

  7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

  8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

  9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

  10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

  11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

  12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

  13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

  14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

  15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

  16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

  17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

  18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

  19. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

  20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

  21. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

  22. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

  23. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

  24. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

  25. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

  26. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

  27. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

  28. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

  29. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Hope you had a smile from a couple of the above!